I came straight out of the womb a fiercely independent, stubborn and whole heartedly loving being.
I was always eager to help yet unflinchingly quick to question anything I felt wasn’t right. Growing up in a very broken home within an extended community of dysfunction meant I often found myself at odds with the people around me. They loved the eager to please me which was often taken advantage of. But, they couldn’t handle the rest of me. The fierce independence. The direct questioning and defence of myself and others. Even my free spirited sense of joy and playfulness was a source of conflict. My young self, unknowingly held a painful mirror up for them and they were very uncomfortable with the reflection.
So the mirror was to be broken. I was to be broken. My fierce spirit to be dulled and contained. Molded to continue on the cycles of victimhood and abuse. Shaped into the vision they held of me.
But I was not broken. I retreated, deep into myself.
Tucking away the parts of me I wanted to save. I was unequipped to do battle, but unwilling to surrender. Showing only parts of me, what I thought might be accepted in my attempt at survival. So things continued. My life like a tug of war between opposites as I tried to hide my true nature and yet desperately wanted to be me.
Despite my best efforts I was always too much of something for someone and never really managed to fit in. As time carried on, I found if someone else wasn’t trying their damnedest to squash or control my too muchness, that I was it doing myself. Sometimes to fit in. Sometimes for survival. Sometimes, because I no longer knew any other way to be.
I was still fierce and stubborn! But only when my back was to the wall. When it was live or die. But, I wasn’t truly living. I was still hiding. Slowly dying, smothering the radiance of my true spirit until it fit the vision I had adopted of my smallness. I hid until one day I had a moment of clarity. A moment of understanding that sparked a sudden fierce rebellion against my false vision and the way I felt the people in my world wanted me to be.
I would no longer live this way. Small, unexpressed, dim.
Vague, jagged pieces of myself, barely recognizable pressed to the surface. My spirit wanted to be whole. I wanted to be whole. To be all the parts of myself; to fully express myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my truth. I was ready to grow, evolve and grow some more. To rediscover who I was and explore my inner realms rather than just hide in them. The deeper I went into my inner realms, the more I understood my outer world and was able to begin to create changes and be more fully myself in my life.
No longer content to be numb, anxious, fearful and exhausted from trying to be just enough of the right parts of me to please the world around me, I turned within. I looked deep into my inner realms, deep into the shadows and darkness, and I dove in. Fully immersed, I rediscovered all the parts of myself, studied them, loved them, came to understand them then gathered them together and emerged from the depths. Fiercely, passionately, curiously and wholly myself.
I am a living breathing force of nature, deeply connected with mother earth. I soar with spirit, swim in the depths of my soul and look to the universe with a sense of wonder and playfulness. I face the storms of my life head on and full throttle. Confident that I can navigate anything that comes my way. Knowing, deep in my heart, that I will emerge from any storm having evolved into an even greater version of myself.
I have emerged, ready to take the hands of my sisters and lift them up along with me.
Ruby Toad | Life Storm Navigator
I am Ruby, Life Storm Navigator, Rebel Spirit and Mentor for amazing women who are ready to turn and face their fears; to use those challenges, struggles and storms as opportunities to dive deep into their inner realms and re-emerge as even fiercer, stronger more aligned visions of their true selves.